We spend days dealing with our demons, pretending to the world of their inexistence. Flaunting the perfect “flaws” and hiding the real, we forget ourselves.
And then talk of listening to heart, doing what we like, only heading towards mess.
The world sure does not deserve to know you or your demons, and it sure is not worth wearing a new skin that creates all chaos and restlessness.
DEAL WITH YOUR DEMONS AND KNOW THAT THEY EXIST.
You wake up and walk into the routine, trying to achieve some tiny targets. You procrastinate on the big changes you want to make and worry about the paper you’ve to write in a couple of days, on which you procrastinate again. That’s pretty much how I live. That’s my routine.
But today did not end the way other days do. Today was different. It was new, it was scary and I am still scared to the core of my heart. I feel terrible and alone but I think today was important.
I needed today, because I know that tomorrow I will not walk into the routine. I will find new things to do. I will look at pretty little distractions of nature and I might shed a few tears reminiscising but I will be just okay and then after a couple of weeks, I will be someone I don’t know right now and this thought excites me, it drives me crazy, and I would love to meet the person I am going to be hereafter.
Sometimes it feels like a slavery, but I have no choice but to go with the routine. I have to get up at the same time each morning, go to the same college, listen to the same ideas, pass by the same people gossiping in the corridors about similar stupid stuff.
I don’t appreciate routines. They are tideous, they lack ideas and decompose creativity. People tell me that I am growing and learning in this routine process. Well, yes obviously I am but not how I should be. How can it be enough? To where can I go with this routine? May be I can top the classes, college or whatever, will that excite me like my first trip to southern states? Or will that amaze me or will that make me want to hold on the moment and pin it inside my head, for ever? I don’t think so.
Routine kills creativity and I appreciate art. I like painting, even though I can’t paint. I like to read new genre of books and listen to different kinds of music. I like to travel and meet people with different lifestyles but possing similar human behavior. I appreciate change. I like it when I am uncomfortable and I am scared. It like it when I can feel my heart beating, which most of us don’t. It is weird sometimes, but it’s okay. It is new and it is the time when I know that I am learning and growing into a stronger person.
I was sitting on a beach, watching the sun go down. It was beautiful or I’d say it made me feel beautiful. Life was a mess but I was okay. I was struggling to find what I should do for living. Couldn’t choose. It was like picking a T shirt and wearing the same kind for rest of my life. Visualising myself, doing various jobs didn’t help either. I enjoyed them all. People said it’s actually good but for me it was a chaos. Anyways I had to choose. Yeah that I’d be happy with anything but I wanted the best.
It was night soon. Magnificent! It was. All those infinite stars, infinite darkness, silence, reflection of moon on the surface of that infinite stretch of water, turbulence of waves and infinite kind of mess in my head.
I never thought that the cold night can amaze me, but it did. I learned that however good we think we are at imagining future, we are just not good enough.
And that’s human nature, to imagine future and make decisions accordingly. But I learned it’s not really a good idea. However math you do, stuff you imagine, visualize or just fantasize, you won’t end up the way you think you will. That must have happened with you already. You will be surprised with how things unfold.
So I stopped thinking too intense and did what first came to my mind thereafter. I learned that my subconscious knows me better than my conscious does. I learned that life is much beautiful as it unfolds. I didn’t worry anymore. I wasn’t disappointed because I didn’t imagine the way things should happen.
I was content. Life surprised me and I learned it is beautiful to be alive…and there were times when I felt infinite happiness.
I am mysterious and secretive to myself. I do things that leave me surprised and alarmed sometimes. I expect from myself and crumble those expectations.
I was pleased to believe that I know who I am but I believed in fairy tales too and it was quite okay to not believe them anymore.
Life is so unpredictable. It draws some million situations, beautifully on a canvas and I paint it with all sorts of weird shades. I spill colors that weren’t meant to be. I neglect the boundaries and kill the beauty of a perfect painting.
I do surprise myself and whenever I am burdened with doubts and questions, the flawed canvas of my art work is quite enough for me to believe in my magic.
– Tamanna Kalkal
Fears! Yes they haunt me.
They have always been sitting somewhere inside my subconscious and the moment I do what I usually don’t, they dominate me.
My heartbeat becomes audible to me. I feel the pulse, the heart pumping blood into my arteries.
It shakes me.
Fears are tricky you know. They play hide and seek. They hide when you look for them, when you want to destroy them and probably you can only think of them unless you face them while you continue what you really want to do and can’t.
They pop up right from head, in front of eyes and scare you with the most evil face mask, they are capable of wearing.
I know what that moment is. It feels like sinking to the depths beyond the reach of anyone who can save. And surely it is not okay.
But then there’s a way out. The consciousness. If somehow I manage not the fear and accept the fact that it is what it is and has to go away from me, I can use consciousness then.
Then will the game between consciousness and subconsciousness begin. Wonderful it is. We fighting ourselves on the way to reach something beyond ourselves. And that’s what excites me. It gives me courage to step into something like that over and over.
I develop skills and lose fears. I distort myself to compose myself.
And when I am done, I sit back in some corner and celebrate my victory over myself.
It was dark, cold. I could hear echo of restlessness. I could see the stars twinkle like they were struggling to shine.
But however scary it was, it was beautiful. It was alive. I could hear my heartbeat. I could feel the heart pumping blood into my arteries that kept me alive in that cold dark night. It was hard but I knew I will survive.
Stuck in that cage of cold night, I suddenly felt warmth. In front of me was a dawn. The breaking dawn ripped that infinite blanket of darkness into pieces and all I was left with, was warmth, comfort and a positive beam of light.
~ Tamanna Kalkal